These last couple of weeks have been a bit rough. My mood has not been my friend.
I’ve been exhausted, had headaches and felt like I’m constantly fighting off dehydration. But, I haven’t cried as much and I’ve been able to smile and actually mean it.
I have days when the emotions come bubbling up and overwhelm me, but they are fewer with more okay days between their occurrences.
Today was one of those tough days when my mood is not my friend.
It started off well enough, getting up and ready for Nicholas’s first ever school sports day. He got ready for school and made it to his classroom door with time to spare. I forgot my camera, but that was okay. After all, I had my phone and could take a couple of photos with that.
Since the sports day races were scheduled to start about 45 minutes after the school day did, a number of Moms and a Dad or two popped into the cafe in the Co-operative just down the road for teas and coffees. I sat with a couple other parents of reception parents and was included, but still felt like an outsider.
I think when it comes to the other parents of reception children I will always feel like an outsider. I’m not British and I simply don’t share most of the cultural currency of their lives. I often feel like the only relevant bits I can contribute to the conversation have to do with Nicholas. Yes, that’s right, I’m one of *those* mothers at the school gates who only seems to talk about her child.
The thing is, very few of them have ever made any sort of effort to talk to me and feeling like an outsider makes me shy.
I don’t know why. It just does.
So today, I saw Nicholas come in third in the keep the egg on the spoon race, which was really a keep the potato on the spoon race. He was excited and had fun. I was happy for him, but I wasn’t happy.
Afterwards I left to walk down the hill towards our house and was troubled to find tears making slow trails down my cheeks right before I made it home. Loneliness and isolation are overwhelming some days, especially when my mood is not my friend. Today was one of those days.